Happy 2025! I hope this year, despite all that’s gone/going awry in the world, has brought you some joy, love and sweetness. I followed last year’s pattern and allowed myself to ease into this Gregorian calendar year gently. To be completely honest, I was fighting sleep well before midnight and was knocked out by 12:02 AM. I ain’t ‘shamed either, okay? Rest is a luxury I revel in every chance I get. And while I honor the tradition of watch night and its significance for Black Americans, I didn’t feel pressured to perform newness before January arrived. I needed rest. Physically, spiritually, mentally. So I listened. I did make a batch of Brown Suga Black-eyed pea soup to call in prosperity and sweetness for the year. But I’ve been more reflective than anything, carefully setting intentions for what I want to release and make room to welcome into my life over the next twelve months.
As far as resolutions go, I only made two: to follow my heart (saying yes to passions, desires and curiosities) and to execute my ideas. I have years’ worth of ideas I’ve been hoarding, waiting for the “right” time, the “right” teams, the “right” conditions to bring them to fruition. In other words, perfectionism and imposter syndrome had me in a chokehold for years. But not anymore.
Field Notes from a Recovering People Pleaser
I was groomed to be agreeable. To revere and respect authority, which often translated to submission: agreeing to the opposite of what I wanted or needed for the sake of keeping the peace. In essence, I learned how to abandon myself at a young age in order to survive my circumstances and surroundings. My body learned how to hold the discomfort, how to bend to the will of others, how to hide the hurt.
I used to think survival was about how much I could take. How much I could do. How well I could perform. How accommodating I could be. How far I could bend before breaking. How much suffering I could hide behind a smile. How well I could hide my pain. I thought being strong was about how much I could survive in silence. I’d even begun to pride myself in how much I was able to endure without breaking.
I’ve spent the majority of my life submitting to people outside myself, deferring to everyone’s authority except my own. The problem is that the indoctrination of perpetual submission wasn’t equally balanced with teachings of discernment. Submission without discernment is dangerous. Blind submission is an easy way to get trapped under the weight of other people’s expectations.
Thinking through this makes it easier to give myself grace. It’s easier to hold space and compassion for the people-pleasing parts of myself. The parts of me who still struggle to trust myself fully. It took time to learn how to abandon myself and my instincts in this way. It’s gonna take time for me to learn to trust myself. But knowing the root of it all makes it easier to uproot what no longer serves me.
The thing is, I was breaking. It just wasn’t a climactic shattering. It was a series of small cracks and little chips that stretched and deepened over time. All the hurt I’d buried and needs I’d dismissed over the years started to fester in ways I could no longer ignore. It manifested as anxiety, resentment, chronic pain—especially in my lower back, sciatica and my right leg—as well as perpetual exhaustion. It was a kind of soul-level exhaustion that sleep couldn’t fix. Like a chip in a windshield that eventually stretches wide enough to block your vision, all of that constant self-silencing eventually cracked me open.
And I learned, the hard way, that survival couldn’t only be about my physical safety. It had to be about protecting my emotional and mental well-being, too. It’s not about how much I can take (on), but about how well I take care of myself. Hiding behind a smile didn’t make me feel “strong” anymore. Pouring into everyone except me didn’t feel good either. It felt like a prison I had built for myself. And it was time to break free.
In breaking free, I realized I wasn't alone. When I started sharing my experiences online, I received so many messages from others, especially Black women and non-binary folks. The two boundaries episodes of Prodigal Sun have the most streams, and when I posted some of my tweets about boundaries on Instagram, they garnered thousands of shares. It became clear to me that so many others, especially within the Black community and particularly Black women and non-binary folks, are struggling with the same ingrained patterns of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice—the very patterns I’ve been working to unlearn and uproot within myself. This shared struggle, along with a swift kick in the ass from my spirit team lol, led me to create a resource offering support and guidance on this journey of liberation: my ebook, NO Is Not a Dirty Word: Boundary-Setting for Black folks."
“NO is Not a Dirty Word” ebook
This project is deeply personal. It comes from a place of understanding and compassion. I created it to support Black people, especially Black women and non-binary individuals, as we navigate the unique pressures we face. We often give so much of ourselves to others that we lose sight of our own needs. We end up drained, depleted and sometimes, resentful when we have nothing left for ourselves.
NO is Not a Dirty Word offers a compassionate and culturally-relevant guide to setting healthy boundaries. It helps you reclaim your personal power. It prioritizes your well-being. It’s designed for Black people navigating societal expectations like the "strong Black woman" archetype. It’s for people-pleasers who struggle to say no. It’s for anyone seeking more peace and balance.
This book addresses the guilt and fear that often arise at the thought of setting boundaries. It explores the roots of these struggles. It examines how they can stem from intergenerational trauma. It looks at harmful patterns of self-sacrifice common in Black communities. It helps you understand why you might feel responsible for others’ emotions or pressured to be constantly strong.
NO is Not a Dirty Word is a 60+ page compilation of context and practical strategies to support you in setting boundaries in all areas of your life. It includes personal reflections, journal prompts, exercises, relatable stories, and gentle encouragement. You’ll learn effective communication techniques to express your needs and limits.
What makes this ebook different from others is that it directly addresses the specific experiences of Black people and people-pleasers. It recognizes the unique pressures you face. It offers a compassionate, practical approach to breaking free from harmful cycles so you can create a life rooted in self-love and liberation.
Imagine feeling empowered to say no without guilt or fear. Imagine having more time and energy for what truly matters. Imagine having more room for you in your life. Imagine experiencing deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Imagine giving yourself the same radical love you give everybody else. This book can help you create that reality.
As a self-care advocate, my work comes from a place of deep understanding. It’s rooted in a trauma-informed approach to well-being—which I know personally as someone with more than one mental health diagnosis, who’s been on this journey of healing through therapy, medication and holistic remedies for over 10 years. I believe whole-heartedly that self-care is a radical act of liberation.
I’m so excited to share this with you. NO is Not a Dirty Word is available now at a special introductory price of $18. You can get your copy on my Stan Store. I also created a free ebook, 3 Boundary Hacks to Reclaim Your Time and Energy, which is available to download when you sign up if you want to start with the basics. I truly believe this work can make a difference by helping you center yourself in your own life, and I'm so honored to be able to offer these resources. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and know that you're not alone in this.
Whew! I’m really out here now. Cheers to seeing our resolutions through this year. This is me stepping into my purpose. I hope this book empowers you to do the same.